Italian girls dating American men and the problems that soon follow.
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Italian Girls Dating American Men

So here I am again, struggling to find my place among a group of female expat bloggers, all of whom are 20 years younger than me and ten-times better writers.  I must be the unknowing beneficiary of some sort of blogger affirmative action program, because otherwise I’m at a loss to explain my inclusion in this field.  Be that as it may, I’m going to keep posting until they kick me out.

Besides yours truly (the irascible malcontent from Rome), the original roster includes Misty and Georgette from Florence, and Maria from some lost village in Emilia Romagna that I can’t pronounce.  And we have two newcomers this time.  Let’s meet them all again, shall we, and see what the have to say about Italian girls dating American men?

minitaly

Maria is a 30-something (something low) American Texpat, living and working in her husband’s tiny hometown in the province of Reggio Emilia. Her blog, Married to Italy, is home to her rants and raves and serves as her therapeutic search for hilarity amongst the chaos. (Read her article here, “Becoming Bold and Italic.”)

 

misty-evans-surviving-italyM. Elizabeth Evans of “Surviving Italy” is an American expat trapped between two worlds with her badass husband, his chest hair, and their poodle. She is a writer and partner of House Of Ossimori. Her award-winning blog Surviving In Italy, aims to honestly portray her life in Italy, the sober times, the drunken times, the yelling, food, family, and on occasion her obsession with the majestic Capybara. She’s also terrible at writing Bios. Someone do it for her next time, okay?

 

georgette

Georgette is an American social media strategist, copywriter, blogger and a certifiable ‘Tuscan Texan’ living and breathing all things Florence. Social inside and out, she lives in the moment and eats way too much pasta.  She blogs about life in Italy, travel around Europe (and the world).  Check out her blog, Girl in Florence

 

gina

Gina is 26 year old California native whose unhealthy love of cheese, wine and gossip has made her a perfect transplant to Italy.  She blogs about life in Florence, tour guiding for college students abroad, traveling and her dog Gorgonzola.  When she’s not busy writing down all the crazy stuff that happens to her, she’s listening to Snoop Dog and trying to figure out how to open an In-N-Out Burger in Italy.

 

Rochelle Del Borrello

Rochelle Del Borrello is an Australian journalist by trade, something she has thankfully left behind to write, photograph and taste life in Sicily, an experience she shares on her blog Unwilling Expat (http://unwillingexpat.wordpress.com/ ) Rochelle is currently hating people’s obsession with the Selfie, Geordie Shore and the confusing world of Italian politics and liking Stromae, The Voice Italy, Springtime in Sicily and collaborating with other certifiable Expats in Italy.

OK, enough introductions, let’s get down to some light-hearted Euro-bashing.

But wait…

We’ve had our jollies in the past, taking cheap shots at European culture and its social idiosyncrasies.  Now it’s time for a little payback. (Whose idea was this, anyway?)  This week we turn over the keyboards to our European partners and let them have a little fun at our expense for a change.  It’s hard to believe that we’re voluntarily subjecting ourselves to this, but there’s nothing we won’t do for the amusement of our readers, and to fill them in on the proper customs and etiquette in Italy as it pertains to the dating scene.

italian girls dating american men

La mia sposa

My wife Jessica was born in the relatively small town of Messina, Sicily.  As her family remained in the same place through the years, she had always yearned to travel and learn about different places.  After time spent in Tuscany and England, she eventually transferred to Rome, where we met at an

After time spent in Tuscany and England, she eventually transferred to Rome, where we met at an aperitivo on the Isola Tiberina, one hot July night in 2010.  I moved in with her two months later, and two years after that we were married.  These days, she’s a full-time mamma to our beautiful little goddess, Demetra.

Here’s what it’s like for Italian women dating American men, in her words.  Read what she has to say on the topic, and then click over to the other blogs to read about the opposite perspective.  And please, if you’re in a cross-cultural relationship, let us know your thoughts, too!  OK, take it away, Jess!

When people ask me to compare life in America to life in Italy, I’ve learned to answer the question diplomatically by saying “Well, you see, no place is perfect; you gain something, you lose something, and in the end it’s not better or worse—it’s just different.  And it all depends on what your priorities are.”  Diplomatic, indeed, this answer is also very true.  It gives me a good chance to shut up, to keep my opinions to myself, which is precisely my intention, since it seems that opinions upset the very people who asked for them.

So, the very same applies to Italian girls dating American men versus dating Italians.  When people ask me, I tend to just say, “I found a great man, who just so happened to be American – and to me this is just a detail.”  Again, true. But of course there’s more.

And since I was asked for my opinion, I’ll give it.

Italian Girls Dating American Men

First of all I have to say that Rick is not your typical American – for whatever that means – just like I don’t consider myself as a typical Italian.

When an American woman tells me “Oh, I’d like to meet a hot Italian man who [insert here stereotypical adjectives that people associate with the Italian Latin Lover]…” I try to suppress a hearty chuckle.  I believe that most American women would be extremely disappointed and quickly become frustrated with men who expect them to cook for them, iron their shirts, and don’t leave their mother’s home until they marry – if they ever do.

Same when an Italian man says to me that he dreams about meeting a sexy blond American bombshell. He’ll likely be puzzled when dealing with the hottie who wears reveling clothes with impunity, goes out for drinks on girls-only nights as much as she likes, and expects equal support about her career (read: she’s not going to wash more dishes than him).

Of course, these are some of the most superficial aspects. There are smaller, sometimes more meaningful things that represent a challenge for a couple from different cultural backgrounds. It truly takes an open mind and a profound respect of diversity to work these things out and, even better, to let them enrich your everyday life.

Let’s see a few examples.

–          The understatement. Coming from a culture that has its roots in Greek tragedy (I’m Sicilian), I still can’t get over my husband’s imperturbable calm in every situation. Of course he thinks that I overreact most times. He still asks me, four years later, “why are you yelling?” when I think that I’m just talking normally. Now, the interesting thing is that when I’m back in Italy, I pass for the quiet one.  So I bring to his attention the decibels level that most people in Italy reach when they talk ‘normally’ and there he has to concede that I’m actually not that loud. Until the following time. Same applies to gestures.

–          The outspokenness. You’ve been taught that saying certain things under certain circumstances to certain people is or it’s not appropriate. You might be surprised to find out that different things have been taught to me as more or less appropriate. I suppose that when dealing with a very different culture, let’s say, a German and a Japanese, both parties would be very self-aware about possible social faux pax (Do I say “Hi?” Do I high five? Do I bend? How much? 25 degrees?)  But western civilizations tend to presume that they are similar, after all. So at first it never occurred to me to think that I would have had to deal with boundaries so different than mine. Rick, on his side, didn’t see much boundaries. For example, he ignored everything about the “friendly vaffanculo” (a most endearing way to use a swear word) and in fact he dedicated a full post about it.

–          Food.  Now, understand. I am Italian. Let that sink. Italian. I sit down for meals. I prepare meals. I use tablecloths (and they are not checkered). I respect recipes. If I made a lasagna, I just don’t want to see you eating it in front of a football match on TV. And I want a little family time at the table. Now that we have an adorable little baby girl, I find myself repeating to Rick “No entertainment during meals!”  I want my baby to learn that.  When I’m invited for meals at Rick’s family or friends, with few exceptions, I just can never figure what’s going on.  Four years later.  Are we over for lunch or dinner?  What meal happens at 5pm?  If we’re about to eat, why is everybody standing?  Why are the kids still running around?  I can’t wrap my mind around it.  I just gave it up.

–          Honesty.  Now, seriously. The best part about dating an American, for me, it was the honest and straight forward way to relate, approach, and date. I understand this might not apply to all Americans (hey, I told you I was lucky to meet Rick), but at an overall glance I think I have consistently seen a decent level of sincerity in the American dating panorama.

In Italy – and again, this does not apply to evweddingerybody – I had grown tired of all the seductive scenes and the Cirano poems and the drama.  And I had grown tired of a game where girls should pretend to be disinterested even when they’re interested so as not to be judged, and men should pretend they’re serious when they’re not, just to have a chance to gain favor (among other goals).  Rick and I might not speak the same language, but we always did understand each other when it came about our intentions.

In Italy, divorced men are a little snubbed, because the system makes the process of ending a marriage so miserable, long, aggravating, and financially burdening (and if you’re thinking “in America, too” just multiply that by “n”) that the majority of divorced people just won’t give it another try.  Ever. They just remain too bitter and scarred. I didn’t need to ask to see that Rick had that optimism about life and that faith in love that one needs to put himself out there again.

All of that said, it should be obvious that being married to an American turned out great, because I married a great man, that is.  If you’re dating someone from another culture, I would always say “Keep your mind open, and when you think it’s open, open it some more,” You’ll be rewarded.

Sharing is Caring!
Rick
 

Living in the Caput Mundi and trying to decipher Italian culture for the English speaking world.

  • C. says:

    I want to know an american young man too! I am a nice girl for personality and people say i am very good looking. Here is my email [email protected] :*

  • […] Rick Zullo of ‘Rick’s Rome‘ – an American expat living in Rome. Born in Chicago and raised in Florida, he came to the Caput Mundi in 2010 and forgot to go back. When he’s not exploring his adoptive hometown or writing for his blog, he spends his time teaching the world English, one Roman at a time. Rick is also the author of the silly little eBook, “Live Like an Italian,” available on Amazon. Read his post about Italian girls dating American men here.  […]

  • […] is Rick’s male perspective as our token male 😉 or as they say in Italian ‘beato fra le […]

  • Marilyn Moroni says:

    I have another slant on Italian men. My gorgeous Italian husband came over here to find me in a singing group. He was a tenor, I was a soprano. So I think Italian men also like American women. (it;s the long legs) He wooed me by making rissotto milanese and serving me with a towel over his arm. He often cooked for me. He would say “you don’t have to cook for me or clean for me, all you have to do is love me”! We had 41 wonderful years together before he died, at the age of 89, two years ago,
    We traveled all over Italy & the world for his work and for our pleasure. I worked for a travel agency and that helped us get around the world too. He was a remarkable man, PHD in chemistry, played the piano & the accordion. His name was Eneo. He was 6’3″ with green eyes and a beautiful roman nose.
    I will never forget his gentle ways and loving spirit!

  • […] Zullo is an American expat who moved to Rome in 2010 (more on his love story with a gorgeous Italian goddess in a new post from this week). I became aware of Rick when he began sharing insightful comments on […]

  • Bellavia says:

    I think this is fabulous and enlightening because, let’s face it…there really aren’t many American men who can woo an Italian woman. It’s usually the stories of “us women” contaminating the Italian dating scene. 😉

  • Lyn says:

    ps you will never be too old to be a blogger, and, you just keep getting better BTW I am much older than you and loving blogging

    • Rick says:

      Well, thanks for those kind words. 🙂 No, I don’t feel too old to be a blogger. But sometimes I feel too old to understand those 20 years younger than me. But I have a little one now, so I’d better learn fast!!

  • Lyn says:

    The first thing I learned when I arrived in Italy on my first trip was, do not compare with things back home. They are not better and they are not worse, they are just different. This is what I learned from my first tour director Maria Grazie on a coach tour. Profound and very helpful as her advice has stayed with me. And then of course, there is my mantra. Attitude.

  • Pina says:

    Well, well, well, what absolutely truth!….. You speak my mind, in every single scenario. After 42 and pass years….. I get “why are you yelling” etc…. And believe me, HE….. knows wery well, what yelling means becouse…when I yell.
    Mount Etna in confronto e’ piu’ quieta. Non per niente sono Siciliana anch’io, e vivo in USA. Potrei scrivere un libro…. Anyway I enjoyed reading. It was kind of fun recognizing me in your written and thinking…… I am not alone……….. I wish you both many years to come. Ciao for now.

  • Cindy says:

    This was so thoughtfully written-is Jessica a professional writer? I found a lot of truth in her explanation for how love can be in Italy, and sadly how a lot of divorced Italians will not give marriage a second shot. I can understand my Italian friends behavior better because of her insight…. Wonderful post!
    And it sounds like you make a great couple!!

    • Rick says:

      Thanks so much, Cindy! Jess isn’t a professional, but she’s very good…even better in her own language. I’ve learned a lot about writing from her perspective–she my best editor, too.

  • Joce Albert says:

    I love you guys. This reminded me of the night we met in July 2010 at the aperitivo and what happened after the aperitivo!! A little embarrassing for me but also a moment of foresight into your future 🙂

    • Rick says:

      Ha, ha! Thanks Joce, yes, you were there to witness the beginnings! Now you have to meet our little Demetra…I know you two would get along fabulously…ciao from Roma!

  • bonnie melielo says:

    This was a fabulous idea for the group of bloggers!! So entertaining AND enlightening. I am constantly on a search to “understand” Italian culture VS Italian American culture VS American culture. Genetics definitely comes in to play also. My husband (family from Campania) simply cannot understand why I “shout” (family from Calabria). LOL!!!! and we are Americans. 🙂

    • Rick says:

      It’s never a dull moment, that’s for sure! It will be interesting to see how our daughter (now only 9 months old) develops. So far, it looks like she’s going to be a shouter!

  • Che meraviglia !!! Veramente bello!!!

  • Wonderful and extremely well written post, Rick and Jessica! It was lovely to meet you both in the Milano train station a couple weeks back and we hope to share a longer conversation in the future…After over 6 years of living in Europe it’s a big adjustment moving back to the USA- all the junky processed food, drug ads, lawyers looking to sue drug companies…it’s dizzyingly insane and I can’t believe I nearly forgot how corrupt my country is. But I also forgot how friendly and open so many people here can be…We found a new home in Allston between Boston University and Boston College. Hopefully you guys’ will pass through at some point. Please let us know when you do as our door will be open! 🙂

    • Rick says:

      Man, I hope you’re going to write a post about reverse culture shock, because I think a lot of people would relate to it. And those who haven’t experienced might be surprised how uncomfortable it is. But I’m glad that you’re settling in and meeting people. And I’m sure that we will be up that way eventually….might take us a year or so, but we’ll make it! Ciao from Roma! (Hey, do you mind sending me that photo when you get a chance…no rush!)

  • M.E. Evans says:

    This is a great post. Actually, Francesco said the same thing about me when we were dating. It was both a confusing and relieving process. I told him, “i like you,” but I didn’t call him constantly or chase him. I just assumed we liked each other. He didn’t believe me because, “Nobody is so honest and straightforward.” He assumed that I was, “playing with him.” Which didn’t make ANY sense to me. Who the hell has time for playing? I guess after reading this it makes more sense. LOL. Brava Jessica! You two are so cute.

    • Rick says:

      Yes, I would have never survived the Italian dating scene…much to complicated for me to understand. One of the many reasons that I was so happy to have met Jessica!

  • Cassidy S says:

    Great post! I really enjoyed hearing the flip side here. Actually, it was very insightful for an American girl to read that Italian men aren’t all that great! (I have lately been tired with American men.)

  • Great post Rick! You have a wonderfully intelligent wife and of course she’s Sicilian. By the way Messina isn’t that small a town?!?! A population of 240,527 people as of 2013 isn’t exactly tiny! I live in the province of Messina, but my town is tiny pop. 3,000!!

  • sabine atwell says:

    From a former German who married a young soldier of the occupying army in 1963 and moved to CA forever, now a grandma, I applaud all who see the human being first and deal with the little ethnic things later! It worked for me. Never regretted having come to beautiful CA. Love Ricks’ insightful and humorous blog!

  • Barbara Earl says:

    Jessica, your words probably reflect most of our thoughts and experiences, italian women married with american men. So true and so bitter sweet in a way! After 14+ years with my husband from the North East, I still get “why are you yelling??” or “you are so dramatic”….he definitely has a wider understanding of our Sicilian dynamics and knows he can’t get away with a “yes, dear” or “you are right, honey”. Those telegraphic words are simply not good enough for Italian wives 🙂

  • Rick…no wonder you married her! She’s smart and funny…and adores you!

  • Arwa says:

    Like this post 🙂

  • Irene Lauretti says:

    Love it!

  • absolutely adored this post, you and your wife make a great couple and she really hit the nail on the head :). We need to meet in person!

    • Rick says:

      Thanks Georgette! In fact, I was hoping that would have had a chance to meet up in Florence a couple weeks ago, but we blew through there so fast that I barely remember being there. We might be back that way in July…I’ll let you know!

  • sdpohl says:

    I loved this post. So interesting to read the flip side.

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