{"id":2090,"date":"2013-10-08T17:00:09","date_gmt":"2013-10-08T15:00:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/rickzullo.com\/?p=2090"},"modified":"2022-01-09T22:46:51","modified_gmt":"2022-01-09T21:46:51","slug":"customs-etiquette-italy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/rickzullo.com\/customs-etiquette-italy\/","title":{"rendered":"Customs and Etiquette in Italy"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"etiquette<\/a>Everybody knows (or at least assumes) that Italians are a warm, friendly people.\u00a0 But beneath the surface of this easy, genteel exterior lays a refined undertone of rigid customs and etiquette in Italy that might not be apparent to the foreigner at first glance.<\/p>\n

I’ve talked previously about the concept of fare una bella figura<\/i> (making a beautiful figure). \u00a0I had tried to emphasize that while clothing is the most visible sign of this practice, it might not be the most important.<\/p>\n

Indeed, your behavior says more about you than your couture<\/i>, even if the subtleties can be lost on foreigners.\u00a0 Take off your sunglasses when you address someone, and remove your gloves when you shake hands.\u00a0 Don\u2019t wear a hat indoors.\u00a0 Cover yourself properly when entering a church. \u00a0Get your elbows off the table! \u00a0And always respect your elders.\u00a0 Yes, manners matter.<\/p>\n

Italian society as a whole is really fond of courtesy forms and recognition of titles given by job positions, level of education, age, or\u2014even more difficult for a foreigner to understand\u2014the grade of acquaintance with a specific person.<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s start from that last point. In English, we address anyone and everyone in the second person (singular and<\/i> plural) with \u201cyou.\u201d It could be your best friend, your teacher, your priest, or President Obama; but the fact is, that\u2019s the only form available.<\/p>\n

In Italian, instead, when you bump into a stranger while walking down the street and you want to apologize\u2014or when you want to thank the restaurant owner for the complimentary shot of limoncello<\/i>, you would use the third person \u201cLei<\/i>\u201d instead of \u201ctu<\/i>\u201d (you). \u00a0It\u2019s a form of respect and deference that maintains a certain social distance between people that are not familiar with each other.<\/p>\n

Customs and Etiquette in Italy<\/h2>\n
\"customs<\/a>
“Piacere di conoscerLa, signorina.”<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

The same use of this courtesy form occurs when speaking to somebody older than you, or when you are approaching a professional person that you are working with.\u00a0 \u00a0Often you might address them with the third person \u201cLei<\/i>\u201d form of the verb plus<\/i> the title that the person has (Dottor, Maestro, Avvocato<\/i>, etc.)<\/p>\n

Funny how such a (supposedly) warm population likes to keep this type of formality, right?<\/p>\n

If the use of \u201cLei<\/i>\u201d and other titles might persist in certain formal occasions, once you have introduced yourself to a person you might ask politely if he or she is comfortable with the friendlier and more direct \u201ctu<\/i>,\u201d corresponding to the English \u201cyou.\u201d (Possiamo darci del tu<\/i>?) In almost every case, the person will agree with your request.<\/p>\n

This is actually an opportunity to warm up quickly to a person that you\u2019ve just met. \u00a0If you like the person, you\u2019ll invite him\/her to give you the <\/i>\u201ctu<\/i>\u201d right away. \u00a0Note that the one who\u2019s in charge of suggesting such a switch is the one of the higher social standing (i.e. your boss can tell you to use the \u201ctu<\/i>,\u201d but you cannot suggest it to him).\u00a0 And even if he\/she addresses you<\/i> in the \u201ctu<\/i>,\u201d you should still use the \u201cLei<\/i>\u201d with them until asked to do otherwise.<\/p>\n

On the other hand, you can switch back to a \u201cLei<\/i>\u201d after a short \u201ctu<\/i>\u201d phase if the person does something that offends you, and you want to put that distance back in place again. \u00a0In fact, in the middle of an argument you might remind the person, \u201cMi dia del Lei<\/i>\u201d to let them know openly that they\u2019ve pissed you off and you want to keep your distance.<\/p>\n

I have a foreign friend in Rome who happens to speak excellent Italian.\u00a0 Maybe too excellent for his own good.\u00a0 I once watched him get into a heated argument with an employee at a clothing shop in which he invited her to, \u201cVada a fare in culo<\/i>,\u201d which is to say, \u201cVaffanculo<\/i>\u201d (Go F***<\/i> yourself!!) in the most polite way possible.\u00a0 Incredible that he could be so angry and so polite at the same time.<\/p>\n

The reasoning for this linguistic eccentricity is best explained by Luigi Barzini in his seminal book, The Italians<\/i>.\u00a0 He says: \u201cThis form of address, the third person singular, is left over from the Spanish rulers.\u00a0 It is a conventional way of talking not<\/i> directly to a man, but to his aura, so to speak, to a shadowy persona, la sua signoria<\/i>, his lordship.\u201d<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t worry too much about this; I merely want to point out the existence of this phenomenon, which permeates social graces as well as the language.\u00a0 Just understand that Italians are big on formalities, politeness, and respect for age, social status, and titles.<\/p>\n

But being a foreigner, they realize that you\u2019re not acquainted with this practice and they will usually give you plenty of leeway in your manner of speaking. \u00a0Also, in Rome the \u201cLei<\/i>\u201d might be used less than anywhere else in Italy. \u00a0Perhaps this is due to the Latin inheritance, since Latin does not have such a form.\u00a0 So relax and just do as the Romans do.<\/p>\n

Perhaps more importantly for the visitor to Italy would be to abandon the idea of \u201cgetting right to the point,\u201d whether you\u2019re speaking in Italian or English. \u00a0Italians don\u2019t like this way of conversing, and in fact are a bit put off by a person who forgets to say \u201cgood day\u201d or \u201chow are you?\u201d before launching into his or her series of questions and demands.\u00a0 It\u2019s a good practice to slow down a bit and let the conversation warm up more naturally instead of reducing it to merely an exchange of information.\u00a0 And don\u2019t forget to say \u201cgrazie<\/i>\u201d at the end.<\/p>\n

A History of Proper Decorum<\/h2>\n

I came across an excellent article on the Italy Magazine<\/i><\/a> website that addressed this exact topic and traced the historical evolution of these customs.\u00a0 Very interesting, indeed.\u00a0 The author reminds us of the Italian authority on such social graces, \u201cIl Galateo overo de\u2019 costume<\/i>,\u201d is a treatise of polite behavior written by Giovanni Della Casa in 1558 for the benefit of his nephew, a young Florentine destined for greatness.\u00a0 You can see where some of these things are still held in esteem today in Italy, even if other countries have found reason to abandon such \u201crigorous\u201d decorum.<\/p>\n

\"galateo\"<\/p>\n